Am I a warrior? + Cycle Update
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I had actually planned on writing this post before I actually got my period. I just had a strong sense that the Clomid didn’t work. I can’t explain how I knew. I just knew. I didn’t have a chance to get a jump on this article because my period actually came early.
So here I am writing about what it’s like to unsuccessfully end your first cycle while undergoing fertility treatment. While I know Clomid isn’t always a miracle drug, I had high hopes. As I had mentioned in our first post, my husband and I are both healthy and we know for a fact I am ovulating. I thought maybe I just needed a little boost. And, while I’m holding out hope for the next two cycles on Clomid, I’m also losing hope at the same time.
One minute I am oh so very hopeful and excited about the next cycle. The next minute I am afraid and discouraged about what is to come. The emotional roller coaster is a b*&%@$. So instead of allowing this roller coaster of emotions to get to me, I ignore it. I’ve been immersing myself in work and projects around the house. I used to take time to mourn the end of each cycle but I don’t really do that anymore. Don’t take me wrong, sometimes I find myself crying, but I don’t lose myself in it. I usually lose the ability to control my emotions over something small. I lose myself in the disappointment for about 2 minutes, and then I move on.
I’m not making a concerted effort to ignore the pain. I don’t have the energy these days to make a concerted effort on much of anything. I think I have just become numb to it. I have read other blog posts from women going through this that share how they are so strong they don’t let the disappointment overcome them. They push forward and focus on the good things in their lives. They are warriors that can take anything and come out stronger. These women are not me. I truly think I am just numb to it all now. I’ve become so used to the negative tests and aunt flow visiting each month that it doesn’t pack the punch it used to.
While I typically don’t think being numb to something is ever good (unless you are having a procedure!), I think it’s helpful in this situation. I’m dealing with the end of each cycle in a much healthier way than I used to. I am no longer crippled by the disappointment. I take the news of a failed cycle like I take the news that there was an unfortunate accident across the city involving people I don’t know. While it’s sad, it doesn’t really change anything. It’s par for the course. It means I keep doing exactly what I have been doing. It also doesn’t mean I want that positive any less.
We are all Fertility Warriors
Because I handle the disappointment of a failed cycle differently than how I picture a “fertility warrior” would, does that make me any less of a warrior? I don’t think so. Just because my response my not be as strong does not mean I’m not a warrior. It’s so easy in our world today to judge those that handle things differently than others or react in a way we didn’t expect. But I am above that. I support all women battling infertility no matter how they respond, what next steps they choose, and when/if they get their positive or move on. We are all warriors!
If you are struggling with some recent news you received, don’t let people think you aren’t handling it the way you should. No one, not even those who are also struggling along with you, knows the details of your situation. Only you are dealing with the failure of YOUR cycle. You can choose to respond however you would like. And just remember, no matter what that response is, YOU ARE STILL A WARRIOR!
Our Next Fertility Treatment Steps
Before I close, I thought I would give a quick overview of where we are headed next. My hubby has his sperm analysis in just a couple of weeks. While we are excited to learn about what may be going on, we are nervous about the results.
My doctor only wants to try Clomid for three months. I have two cycles left for it to work. If it doesn’t (even though we know I had a very strong ovulation on it), I will move on to the HSG to check my tubes. We will also move on to injectables. If i’m being honest, both of these freak me out! I so very much hope we don’t have to go there. I’m worried about the pain, the side effects and the risk for multiples. However, I’m mostly worried about the money. I can deal with all the physical stuff. However, the financial aspect of this is starting to get more real. I have worked hard to put together enough savings for our child’s college one day.
While that means we can go pretty far down this path before running into financial roadblocks, I’m also so worried that by the end of this we will have spent every penny we had for our child’s future. But until then, I will continue moving forward as a fertility warrior in the way that works for me!