Roller Coaster of Emotions
I’ve always recognized this journey as a roller coaster of emotions. However, every time I feel like we begin to stabilize our plan and our emotions, things go awry again. It’s been really tough since we received our sperm analysis results. I wanted to share with you how we have been handling this journey emotionally. I’m not sharing this because we have handled it well. If fact, I don’t think we have handled it well at all. I am sharing it, though, to let you know that you aren’t alone.
It’s okay to have trouble processing your emotions. It’s okay to not always agree on a plan. It’s okay to make bad decisions.
My husband wasn’t able to join me during our follow-up appointment to discuss the sperm analysis results so I was on my own. Since there weren’t really any surprises from that appointment, I just texted him to confirm they recommended what we already knew. We had a low chance of conceiving naturally and needed to look at increasingly invasive treatment options. My OBGYN recommended IUI, but also confirmed our chances weren’t that great with it either.
Even though this wasn’t a surprise to us, it is hard hearing it confirmed. My husband immediately decided to move on to donor sperm. I wasn’t ready to give up yet and we argued, a lot. Over the next day, I began to come to terms with this option. I had always been open to adoption, and this would be similar in a way. I began looking at next steps and costs for IUI with donor sperm.
However, it turns out my husband was jumping to conclusions based on shock. As he adjusted to the news, he realized he wasn’t ready to give up yet. We both decided to keep moving forward on treatment and we began to look at costs. Even though we were being recommended to proceed with IUI, we knew IVF was a real option. We were both afraid and nervous.
Financially, we are doing okay. We had worked hard to build up a nice amount of savings, so these treatments weren’t out of the question. However, we were limited in how many we could do and it would take the down payment for the new home we wanted for our children.
We had to decide what we wanted the most and we decided on children. This was the most important decision we could have made. It meant we had a goal that we would pursue no matter what and we both agreed on that goal.
Since we decided to pursue treatment at almost any level, we immediately stopped looking for a new home. We stopped planning for exciting/expensive trips. We focused purely on fertility treatments. However, we then realized there was another option. A company we used to work for (actually how we met) offered insurance coverage for treatment even for part-time employees making minimum wage. We took a chance and my husband got a job there. For a few weeks, we breathed a huge sigh of relief. IVF was a real option that we no longer had to pay out of pocket for. Unfortunately, he hated it and he quit.
Now, he is technically unemployed (although most likely not for long), we have no insurance for fertility, and we have just one income. It’s been tough but we are pushing through.
For a little better news, I got a promotion at work! This makes the single income issue much easier to swallow. However, me starting a new job and my husband potentially starting a new job makes appointments tough.
We have decided to pursue IVF out of state after giving IUI a shot one time. This means I’ll most likely need a fair bit of time off work right as I’m getting settled into my new job. It will be tricky, but I have decided to be up front and honest with my new boss shortly after starting. I think that will be best. What is weird is that I had finally opened up to my current boss. It wasn’t an easy conversation and caused me a lot of anxiety. However, I needed time off for my upcoming IUI. What I didn’t plan for was my IUI being cancelled and needing to reschedule it after I start my new job. All that anxiety around telling my boss was for naught.
It’s crazy thinking how naive I was a year ago and how different my life was when I wasn’t infertile. When I read through this post, it puts into perspective all that we have gone through for our children. I hope they appreciate it one day.